crossroads

Decision, decision, decision…. So.. after my fiasco the past few weeks, today my hospital director and me talk a talk. Well I must say I found the chat quite relieving. She was motherly, kind, caring and most of all concern. Honest to God, I really don’t deserve her as a boss. She came across warm, no hostility, no claws. Thank you God.

Okay, I was suppose to become the next director of the hospital. I was suppose to take over the place in July. But things didn’t turn out that way. Mind you, its not that I wanted the post. I never wanted it. But because of seniority, I was “forced” to take it up. And when its “given” I really didn’t know how to say no. So that was the plan. However, ya it did not, will not happen.

What’s next??? The way I see it, its either I still say in clinical, or venture in to administration or in to research. As far as it goes, I have always been exposed to clinical work. Seeing patients, interpreting results are part of my life so far. The long working hours and not knowing tiredness as been my vocabulary. I am so called in tune with this or am I ? The truth is, I have always wanted something else. Something at involves office hours and public holidays and no on calls. I don’t mind seeing patients. Lots and lots of patients if there is a time out or a limited time is okay with me. So, if I were to go into clinical, its either polyclinics that involves lots of patients in the day and on and off oncalls. Maybe public holidays. There were be lots of referrals too. Another option is to go back to emergency and trauma. There is no on calls, there will be shifts and on nights. No public holidays. Frankly after a year in E/T, its quite only. Given a choice, I would like to do other things of cause I already know the life there and monetary value of it. I don’t think I would go into other fields cause, medical and surgical is hell, orthopedic has long hours of surgery, O/G is the mother of hell. And not interested in ENT or ophthalmology or psy.

In administration, hmmm… I have no experience in it. JKNS. As fas as I know is lots of meetings, paper work and etc. It would be interesting to see the other aspect of medicine. It would be interesting to see and understand paper trails of administration. It would be nice to go back at 5pm and have a life on weekends. It sound very very tempting. Of cause money would be slightly less. No oncall claims. But in exchange, a life. About future prospect?... hmmm I would likely be involve in public health.

The other is research. What is that???... I have no idea about research. So, a BIG KIV on it. 

My director asked me to be truthful to myself. To know my limits. Is clinical for me? not much of a confidence boost. The question is, will I be able to continue seeing patients. Will I get mad??? Will the demon turn up??? Then the next question is why am I like this when I wasn’t before. The stress levels in E/T were much more, way more then this but why now? I may be frustrated with my situation here. But what I know is that I don’t want to do calls. I want a life.

The other option is not to do anything. Stay put here. Right the wrongs I did. Deals with my demons. Be a better person. Be the person I was inside by myself and not dependent on the situation around me.

What do I do????? What do I do ?????